OK, folks, Al asked me to write about tailgate parties. I hope he didn’t get the idea that I’m better than anyone else at it, although I have been an accomplice at more than my share, from concerts to NCAA tournaments to little league games. But it doesn’t take much to put on a good tailgate party – just food, drinks and common sense. Guess which of those three things is missing most often? Yup: Common sense.
For instance, don’t sell your beer, not even for $2 a can. The cops get mad. Ok, I did that at a Grateful Dead show in Chicago. No common sense.
And don’t drink yourself in to a coma before the game even starts. You see it at every NFL game: folks who make it to one game a year and think they have to go guano crazy drinking during the tailgate party. They wind up sleeping through the game (or worse). Money well spent, kids.
The worst infraction of common sense, however, is that rare combination of cheap and stupid that ends with someone calling the fire department. I can’t count how many vehicle fires I’ve witnessed because some jackass slid his grill under his car, coals and all, so no one would steal it. I shouldn’t complain, as watching the fires from our cheap seats at Arrowhead Stadium is as breathtaking as watching the aurora borealis from Denali National Park. But a couple of those buttheads owe me a fire extinguisher.
Moving on. Here are a few more common/stupid things I’ve seen (or done) at tailgate parties, and tips on how to avoid them:
The Quest for Fire.
It’s happened so many times that I question the mental capacity of my fellow fans: People show up with a package of brats or a couple steaks and nothing to cook them on. If we’d been charging for all of the hot grill space we’ve loaned out in parking lots the last 15 years, we’d have paid for our game tickets.
TIP! OK, I understand teamwork and counting on your fellow fans to lend a hand. But why risk it? Just buy a grill. Even if you have a ginormous gas grill at home, packing enough BTUs to incinerate an orca, buy a cute little portable. Even if you don’t have season tickets, you’ll use it. Models are priced right so you’ll get your money’s worth. Plus we all know that the more grills you have, the cooler you are.
BBM – Big, beautiful meat…raw.
This is like a sub-section of “Quest for Fire,” but different. A guy at a Chiefs game came up to us with a rack of about six beef ribs. They were huge. The ribs that flipped over Fred Flintstone’s car were riblets compared to these things. And they were absolutely raw. The guy wanted to borrow our grill to cook them. We were happy to oblige, but told him it’d be impossible for him to get them more tender than a well-worn Michelin before halftime. He walked away confused and hungry, like a Chargers fan after a Monday night game at Arrowhead Stadium.
TIP! If your tailgate meal features meat that needs time (you know: barbecue), cook it ahead of time. In fact, cook as much as you can ahead of time. Contrary to what they show on the tailgate contest program on Food TV, you don’t want to spend your entire tailgate party getting food ready. Get as much done ahead of time as you can.
Put pulled pork and brisket in aluminum pans with some liquid – pineapple or apple juice, some blue bottle butter, extra barbecue sauce – and heat it on the grill. Heat and glaze racks of ribs on the grill at the game. Have paper towels handy, though, to wipe up the drool of passers by.
Plastic forks = abstract art.
A lot of people don’t know it, but the Picasso sculpture at Daley Plaza in Chicago is actually the result of Pablo forgetting to take barbecue utensils to a tailgate party at Soldier Field. He tried using plastic forks to flip some chorizos, the plastic melted and viola! Art!
TIP! I’ve forgotten barbecue tools many times. The solution is simple: have a dedicated tailgate kit. I have a plastic tub with necessities like a bottle opener, a box of matches, some dry rubs and extra sauce, paper towels, etc., and most importantly, a set of barbecue tools that I only use at tailgate parties. My tailgate tools are my tailgate tools, my home tools are my home tools, and the two are not allowed to socialize, ever. If they started mixing, I’m sure they’d make trouble.
Understatement Overdone.
Ok, I admit that for a long time, I didn’t tailgate with a lot of team-branded gear. I always wear my Chiefs coat or Mizzou hoodie or Royals t-shirt. I still have a Cubs helmet that holds a couple beer cans (vintage!). But I never went overboard on fan gear at tailgate parties.
TIP! Get the gear.
See, I was stupid. I also discovered – when we bought a Chiefs-logoed Chevy ambulance – that it’s just a helluva lot more fun tailgating with real team gear.
It’s more fun to brand every steak with a red-hot Mizzou BBQ branding iron than it is to just flip it, cut it and eat it.
It’s more fun to oblige a lady who needs a bottle of beer opened by using a Chiefs belt-mounted bottle opener than it is to just twist the top.
And you’ll find the cheapest hot dogs taste better when grilled on a Missouri grill topper. The fire burning in a Mizzou fire pit is somehow warmer than a fire in the drum from an old clothes drier.
And the most important thing: when your tailgate party is properly decked out, people notice. It intimidates fans from the other team. KU fans weep openly when they see all the Mizzou gear at Arrowhead every year. Of course, they weep a lot during football season, so it’s hard to tell the difference. And when I see Raiders fans so scared by our Chiefs tailgate party that they drop the batteries they were going to throw and run home to their mommies, I know I’ve done my part for the team.
Do your part. But most importantly, prep ahead of time and don’t put your grill under the car.
Date: Sunday, Jan. 29th
On Friday, 
Date: Sunday, Nov. 20th
From The BBQ Princess
